random vents

19.04.2022

I hate myself. I want to stop self-sabotaging but I fucking can't. I want to stop hurting myself.
It became something like a chore now. I just feel like I need to prove to myself that I'm not okay.
But I will never acomplish that. I know that it will never stop. This feeling.
Feeling of emptiness. Feeling I'd like to end. But I can't. Even when I'm feeling happy I know that it's somewhere inside me.
So I'm never fully happy. There isn't a single day that I don't feel like shit.
There isn't a single moment that I don't hate myself. I hate it.
I don't like being me. I'd like to be someone else. Someone who just lives in happiness.
Someone who doesn't hate themselves. Someone who doesn't care about anything and lives their best life.
But that isn't possible. Not in my current mental state. I want to stop doing self-harm, really.
But at that point I must do it, so I can prove to myself that I'm not faking my illnesses.
I want to stop starving myself, but now it feels like something I must do. Like something I'm supposed to be doing.